Dear Colbert S. Uperpacmembers,
Spring is a time of renewal -- you can see it through our office windows, our windshields, and our televisions tuned to Nat Geo programs featuring hardcore animal humping. The next generation is being born. And the same is true in the world of Super PACs.
A few weeks ago, I unveiled the Colbert Super PAC Super Fun Pack, a limited-edition kit to help the next generation form Super PACs. Finally, college students could get their political voices heard on a national stage, not just at Thanksgiving Dinner where they get in a shouting match with Uncle Jack that makes Aunt Noreen cry.
Nation, I am proud to announce that all 1,000 Colbert Super PAC Super Fun Packs sold out in less time than it would take you to say "Colbert Super PAC Super Fun Pack," repeatedly for a week. And now, they've been delivered to college campii across the country.
Both presidential candidates have been making cheap attempts to pander to the youth, which merely comes off as fake, or "whack." They're too little, too late, while Colbert Super PAC is neither little nor late -- we're large and now. And with a thousand unaffiliated Super PAC tentacles stretching to colleges across this land, my power (like your student loan debts) will only grow.
Each kit features a decoder ring, secret clues, elaborate ciphers, and a map to find a hidden treasure. That treasure? A sense of accomplishment.
…and a 101-year-old sterling silver antique turtle which, when touched, makes a beautiful chime. It's far superior to a 101-year-old actual turtle that, when touched, gives you 101-year-old salmonella.
Whichever Super PAC Super Founder super-finds it first will also get a visit to their college campus by a man famous for his many television and email-newsletter appearances: Stephen T. Colbert.
So, lace up your treasure-hunting-shoes, because the game is afoot. Let the best man, woman, or corporation-legally-defined-a-person win.
Cryptically Yours,
Stephen Colbert
President and Chief Enigma Machinist
Americans For A Better Tomorrow, Tomorrow
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE ALREADY!
Colbert Super PAC Delivers Do-It-Yourself Super PAC Kits To Students
For First Time Ever, College Campuses Become Hotbeds of Political Activity
THE QUAD, USA -- Colbert Super PAC has delivered their exclusive Colbert Super PAC Super Fun Packs to colleges across the country, rocketing past "Mom" to claim the title of America's #1 Sender of Care Packages. The kits provide students everything young people need to form their own Super PACs: Federal Election Commission paperwork, filing instructions, an allen wrench, and a small canned ham that resembles Karl Rove.
In the past week, both presidential candidates have begun scrambling to appeal to college students. But as they audit Youth Vote 101, Stephen Colbert is already teaching a master class in Advanced College Domination. He has surreptitiously* supplied information to a network of up to one thousand student Super PACs that, while completely unaffiliated with Stephen Colbert, will serve as his personal attack dogs.
"College is a place where young people can find out who they really are," said Stephen Colbert, President and Varsity Starting Quarterback of Colbert Super PAC. "What better way to do that than to let them form groups that allow unlimited corporate, union, and individual donations? Trust me, they'll find out what they stand for shortly after the cash starts rolling in."
The Colbert Super PAC Super Fun Pack also contains a decoder ring, pre-recorded non-legal advice, a pair of socks, a dorm room door sign, a treasure map leading to an actual treasure hidden somewhere in the continental U.S, and a T-shirt with a turtle on it.
Only one thousand kits were produced, all of which sold in under a week, despite a price tag in the high two figures. Any student quick enough to purchase one can be found hanging out in their dorm's common room, bragging that they were into Colbert Super PAC Super Fun Packs before they sold out.
Colbert Super PAC, also known as Americans For A Better Tomorrow, Tomorrow, rose phoenix-like and fully-formed from the ashes of the Supreme Court's Citizens' United Case. It is currently considering grad school. (Comp lit?)
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For Press Inquiries Contact:
Alberto Rèalnamè
Communications Director
Colbert Super PAC
alberto.realname@colbertsuperpac.com
* What does this word mean?
