Dear Super Loved Ones,
I write this letter with a heavy heart and elevated cholesterol. Earlier today, our advisor and chief strategist, Ham Rove, passed away. Authorities believe he repeatedly tripped and fell onto a knife several dozen times. Later some dogs ate him. It was all quite tragic.
When it comes to describing how important Ham Rove was to Colbert Super PAC, I find myself at a loss for unsubpoenaed words. Ham Rove did everything for this organization, particularly any of the things that an angry donor or federal official might want answers to.
Due to Ham Rove's timely passing, I am announcing that Colbert Super PAC is shutting down effective immediately. During this time of mourning, we ask that you respect our privacy, and more importantly, the privacy of our money. It wishes to stay out of the public eye, so please don't go trying to find it. Rest assured, you won't. We have a really good lawyer.
I am a man of faith. I believe that Ham Rove in a better place now... and so is the money. I hope you have faith as well, because that's all you're ever going to know for sure.
Don't stop bereaving,
Americans for a Better Tomorrow, Tomorrow (defunct)